What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He resisted the act ,that day.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I think the readers, may guess!

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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

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Comes on , in middle age.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

What are the signs of covert narcissistic abuse that most people miss?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Put me off passion for life!!

And i lived it daily.

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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

This is soul school!.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

She loved him until the end.

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I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

My life is so biszare .

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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I was very sick at this time too.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

She wouldn,t have been !

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

We all went to grammer schools

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I write beautiful poetry .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

So, i spoilt her more .

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I couldn’t, believe it.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Would this be the day?

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Especially a lifetime of it.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I have no regrets .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

What did i know ?

But it wasn’t much.

All the time i was locked up.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I never cut or harmed myself..

The only rule us 5 kids had .

One cannot live in the past .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

So whats the point in blame.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I was seconnd youngest,

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I was 9 years of age.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Im still living with it.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Why did i forgive my father ?

He knew the spot.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

She married twice! .

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

She was in good health!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She found it foreign!.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I could never make a relationship work though!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Who then, do I blame.?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I was scared of men, in general

My family never makes their pension either.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Was to survive, this bastard.

I don,t even have a pension.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I waited trembling.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I said to her

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

But, we were locked up after school.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

We were not on the streets..

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

When she asked me how she looked .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I will be 64.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

It was going to be , some day.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Ive learnt so much.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.